Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Essential Guide to Being a Villainess

When the charming and supremely talented Jei started tweeting her hilarious #VilliainessBeautyTips, I begged her to save up a few for a very special guest post.  I laugh every time I read these and am so pleased to share them with you!  Thanks Jei!  Without further ado, we present a handy guide for being The Best Bad Girl You Can Be.  You'll learn the necessity of rouge,  the finer points of attracting Overlords, and of course, the all-important difference between a female villain and a Villainess.  Very useful for Halloween...or your everyday life! 

The Villainess on Beauty
-An evil laugh daily is good for twisting the soul (and trimming belly fat).
-The redder your lips, the sexier your quips. Even if they're awful.
-A villainess is rarely a natural anything, save of course spiteful.
-If your cheekbones don't at least look like they can take an eye out, something's wrong.
-A villainess's brows aren't just shaped, they have personality. (Bonus points if you take it literally.)
-A princess wears blush. A villainess rouges.

The Villainess on Fashion
-Every girl should know the value of a good cloak.
-When choosing a catsuit (and you will be choosing one), avoid leather and latex. While popular among Overlords, your inner thighs don't like them quite so much.
-Spiked heels are well and good, but never an option for a final battle against your Nemesis.
-As fun as it is to wear a metal bustier, remember the edges are sharp. Pad accordingly.
-Never wear a corset to a battle. Your figure isn't nearly so important as your oxygen flow.
-High collars are impractical in all situations save the very formal. In addition to restricting motion and circulation, chances are you're hiding your "better weaponry" with it.

The Villainess on Overlords/Slaves/Whoever's Keeping the Giant Hollowed-Out Skull Warm
-A princess waits for her prince to come. A villainess compels him with a "come hither" arch of the brow.
-If he can't handle your murderous streak, he's not Overlord material.
-A villainess doesn't play well with others, unless it's for fun and profit.
-Bite first, bite back, bite hard, but don't draw blood (the stains are impossible).
-As attractive as the Rebel Prisoners are, chances are they're only out to get you.
-A villainess has more important things to do than stay in the kitchen.

The Villainess on Villainy
-The difference between a villainess and a female villain is the difference between a personal assassin and a barrage of low-level minions.
-Your "better weaponry" will work on practically anyone, save rival villainesses.
-Do not waste time monologuing to prove yourself to your nemesis; a short quip before you kill them will do.
-Never employ berserkers. Just don't.
-In the spirit of Chanel's timelessness, take at least two useless switches off your doomsday device before taking it out of your lair.
-A villainess takes her tea however she pleases. Her companion, takes two sugars and one cyanide every time.

1 comment:

  1. LOL, this is hilarious, great post. I think you should submit this to links a la mode